kiss me, blaise!
by twit1
Summary: have you ever wondered about what really goes on inside this chicks head? probably not, and for good reason too. sarcastic, arrogant and bitchy, how perfect..... *PARODY* ... review it or ill hunt you down. im serious.
1. annoying author's note

oh god. i was avoiding this, but after reading my review (yes, review, as in plural) i suppose ill have to disregard my hate for author notes and write one myself.  
  
i would like to be able to say that you dont have to read this horrid thing, but im afraid i cant simply because i hate twittish people who dont understand the difference between blatant satires and 8 yr old formed mary sues.  
  
ok kiddies. this is a parody on mary sues and the way most of the fanfic authors seem to portray blaise. why? because i read all these stories involving blaise as a little side character. suprisingly enough, all of them describe her as the same thing even though none of us know if blaise is even a chick or not. she is always portrayed as some arrogant, snobby little girl and i wanted to elaborate on it just a tad. read if you want, or you can print it out and use it as birdcage lining or emergency toilet paper. but whatever you chose to do, you have to review or ill put on my shoes, tell my roomate ill be home by dinner, and go track your little asses down. im serious. 


	2. sept 31 - oct 1

Thursday, September 31  
  
Read in a magazine that writing in a journal daily is somehow related to relieving stress and therefore, prevents unsightly bags under eyes. I figure its worth a shot if I dont wish to look like Minerva in twenty years....  
  
  
  
  
Friday, October 1  
  
Try once again to sleep standing up during Magical Creatures to no avail. Instead, settle for crossing my arms over my chest and mentally reorganizing sock drawer while giving death glares to any fool who dares to look my way, no matter how incredibly attractive I am.   
  
Sit next to Pansy during lunch and listen to her brag about her new robes. In the nicest way possible, I point out the fact that she should start buying robes a size bigger or at least reconsider eating that piece of pumpkin pie.   
  
When passing courtyard, am rudely interrupted by a first year is who obviously just far too excited to get a chance to talk to me that she stutters when begging for my assistance. Leads me outside and points to a small circle of people surrounding what appears to be two pigs in robes having a nice mudbath. On closer inspection, realize they are in fact two third-years who have decided to swing fists at each other. Push midget-like boy out of the way and demand to know what is going on. Apparently, some Slytherin decided to call a high and mighty Gryffindor a mudblood. In response, Gryffindor abandoned his wand and continued to fight other boy.   
  
After getting good glimpse at the two hideous creatures rolling in the grass punching each other like degenerates in a pub after last call, sigh dramatically and decide to walk away. Am stopped by same girl, who I realize really does have a stuttering problem. She reminds me that I'm a prefect as I restrain myself from pointing out that I really don't care. Short Little Fat Girl From Hell finally convinces me that it is my responsibilty to do something.   
  
Realizing that no professors, no prefects, or even anyone that has gone through puberty for that matter, were present, I decide to stop this silly little romp in the grass. For a lack of anything more clever to do, I ask boys to stop. They ignore me. Remembering Nick, an ex from Hufflepuff, use Ropeous Spell (also commonly referred to as a necessity in any lustful slight-bondage session) to tie two boys up until I can find someone else to do my dirtywork and drag the buggers up to Dumbledore's office. Shortly thereafter, am reminded that Ropeous Spell is easily broken as the two untangle themselves from the invisible ropes and go at it like barbarians. Potter appears a few feet behind me. Totally refusing to witness another one of Potter's swishes of the wand followed by a standing auvation, I turn on my heel and leave.  
  
After reaching the loo, notice that my usual classmates have already regergetated most of their lunch in attempts to lose that extra kilo, and decide that I must be late. Not wanting to be rushed, casually walk towards dungeons, stopping briefly to flutter my eyelashes at cute male passer-by. Obviously not capable of handling a woman of my stature, he calmly informs me that he is visiting his son and is happily married.   
  
Get to Potions and walk in while trying to ignore whimpers of lust coming from majority of male (and female) population as I walk by and take my seat. Am informed that I am forty five minutes late by irritated professor Snape. I tell him I was only late beacuse I was forced to do my responsibilites as a prefect and stop a fight in the courtyard. Snape sharply responds by saying that he is aware of the fight I was referring to and that it had been taken care of thirty minutes prior to my entrancce to the classroom. While trying to keep my cool, I remind myself that jacking off into a sock for twenty-odd years would put anyone in a foul mood, but thoughts are interrupted with a request to attend detention promptly after dinner.  
  
Once class is over, I try to act sincere and decline Snape's invitation to get a glimpse of my knickers as I clean his shelves and leave before he is able to respond.  
  
Attend dinner. Poke at food and ritually whine about how fat I must be getting so ass-kissing fourth-year across the table can remind me how attractive I really am.  
  
Still feeling slightly deflated, goto dorm and decide to sleep. To my outrage, am not met by silent room, but by no less than fourteen giggly girls oogling over an obese hairball that my equally as unnactractive dorm-mate claims to be her new pet, "Jiggles". Remove package containing a dozen of Mother's latest attempts at "health conscious" dessert balls from bedside table and in no uncertain terms, threaten to shove them down each and everyone of the girls' throats if they do not leave me in peace. Girls promptly remove themselves from the seventh year girl's dorm, leaving me and Jiggles in silence until the rodent screeches and cries. Deciding it must be hungry and feeling far too lazy to dispose of them properly, I feed unpleasently smelling desserts to the hairball and goto sleep. 


	3. oct 2 - oct 4

October 2, Saturday  
  
Wake up to obscene chatter and crying. Throw pillows in their general direction and insist that they shut up. Still not used to the idea of being ignored, drag myself into the showers.   
  
Slightly more awake, I come back from the prefect's bathroom and am quickly informed that Jiggles has died during the night and that evidence suggests he was poisoned. Asked if I fed Jiggles anything the previous night. Immediatly feeling insulted, I say no.   
  
Prance into common room and notice young Malfoy sitting by the fire. Feel something similar to pity for him. The heart breaking antics of a young Blaise Zabini is enough to make anyone miserable and lonlely - even if our relationship began and ended in the sandbox. Quietly dismiss him groping a snaggle toothed sixth-year.  
  
Meet Pansy for brunch in the Great Hall. Happy to see that she has taken my advice and is now brunching on celery sticks instead of lard. Silently nod my head in approval until she takes a chocolate frog out of her silk pouch. As any good friend would, I sieze the treat from her celulite-craving grasp. Between bites of the chocolate, I attempt to explain that my metabolism is far superior to hers, and that I was only helping her in the battle of the buldge.   
  
Proceed towards library where I plan to scribble a couple of sentences on a scroll for Divination and demand praise in return. Pass a depressing Head of House in the corridor. I Nod my head and smile as he suggests I attend detention tonight. Consider my options and prompt for sneaking into Hogsmeade with Pansy instead.  
  
Waste the rest of the day congratulating self on writing an ingenius paragraph for that horrid Trelawney woman. At percisely 11 p.m., I take direct floo-link from abandoned office to Hogsmeade. Rendevous with Pansy, Tracey Davis, and several other Hogwart's students inside Hog's Head where someone foolishly claims they can drink me under the table.  
  
  
  
October 3, Sunday  
  
Head pounds itself into oblivion and gods ignore my pleas to put me out of my misery. Notice lack of usual surroundings before quietly sneaking out of the Ravenclaw boys' dorm and wandering towards my own. Met by disgustingly smug Millicent Barstrode in common room where she kindly points out a hickey on my neck. In the friendliest way possible, I manage to tell her to kiss my arse through gritted teeth.   
  
Bathe and qucikly apply cosmetic charm over previously mentioned hickey. Dissapointingly, only manage to make three Gryffindor girls and one seventh year boy from Hufflepuff cry on way to lunch. Try to decifer the events that transpired the previous night while denying all accusations of snogging and dissapearing with nameless Ravenclaw male.   
  
Spend rest of the day unable to locate prefect-badge before ending up face to face with a disgruntled Head of House. I Ditch all standards and any concept of shame and turn my infamous charm on Snape. Doesn't work. Despite my demands for a retrial, I am handed a mop and pointed towards a foul smelling supply room.  
  
  
  
October 4, Monday  
  
Reluctantly attend double Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws first thing in the morning. immediatly have to defend my honor when a seventh year boy dares to approach me as if I knew him after class. I Make a mental note not to save a hysterically laughing Pansy Parkinson from her obese fate as the boy looks distraught and hands me my prefect badge with claims that I left it in his dorm two nights prior.  
  
Drag myself to dungeons and reassure Snape that responsible prefect such as myself, is perfectly capable to doing punishment unattended. Once the greasy man is out of sight, I plop myself on empty desk and proceed to give my cuticiles much deserved attention. 


End file.
